Well, at least it had pretty boys...
May. 16th, 2004 09:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elsajeniI know. I never post. But I'm posting now, and it's mainly because I have several points to make about Van Helsing, which I saw yesterday with Dana, and don't want to forget them before I have a chance to write them down. And please, PLEASE, give me sarcastic answers to these questions if you have any. It would make my weekend much more enjoyable.
1) Why -- seriously, why -- does Count Dracula have such a bad accent? And is it just me, or does he actually sound French? (Also, he keeps pronouncing Gabriel (and why Gabriel? his name's Abraham in the book, and it's suitable, because he's a complete self-insertion of Bram (get it? like short for ABRAHAM?) Stoker) as "Gabrielle." Amusing, yes, but please.)
2) Just the canines! JUST THE CANINES! Look, really, what special-effects idiot came up with that shot the first time Dracula bites someone in the movie? You can't bite if all your teeth suddenly grow into nasty sharp fangs pointing in different directions. That's why people get braces. You really just need the standard set of 2 fangs on top, embellished with 2 on the bottom if you like, although judging by the little 2-hole bite marks, you only actually use the top ones. JUST THE CANINES!
3) If Dracula (and the vampire chicks as well, but they're not very sexy, so I didn't pay as much attention to them) can just dematerialize and rematerialize wherever he wants, why is he constantly going to all the trouble of turning into his Big Scary Ugly Bat-Thing Form(tm) and flying after Hugh Jackman?
4) Okay, so a few hundred little gremlin-like vampire offspring are brought to life by lightning, and they fly off into the village to bite people. My question: if you've lived all your life in this Transylvanian village that is constantly plagued by vampires, and in the middle of the night you hear the beating of several hundred leathery wings outside... why the fuck would you RUN OUTSIDE TO GET BITTEN? Which all the villagers do! "Hey! Leathery wings in the middle of the night! I wonder if it's a vampire? Naahhh..."
5) Doesn't it occur to anyone that chicks in action movies should wear costumes that allow for a bra? Because, I mean, all that running around and fighting and stuff...
6) Why do they show the title of the movie in big letters at the end? I mean, all it accomplishes is, it gives me a chance to embarrass Dana by saying, loudly, "Shit, that was Van Helsing? I meant to see Troy!"
7) Do you think anyone could hear me when, during a climactic fight scene between Dracula and Van Helsing in which Hugh Jackman was wearing, basically, a loincloth, I said, "Take off the loincloth!"?
8) And speaking of Hugh Jackman running around scantily clad -- well, all right, not so relevant to the scantily clad part, but I'd like to sustain the mental image, if you don't mind -- why is he always playing angsty, hairy men with sordid pasts that they can't remember?
9) And is it really necessary for every action movie to have a Q ripoff?
1) Why -- seriously, why -- does Count Dracula have such a bad accent? And is it just me, or does he actually sound French? (Also, he keeps pronouncing Gabriel (and why Gabriel? his name's Abraham in the book, and it's suitable, because he's a complete self-insertion of Bram (get it? like short for ABRAHAM?) Stoker) as "Gabrielle." Amusing, yes, but please.)
2) Just the canines! JUST THE CANINES! Look, really, what special-effects idiot came up with that shot the first time Dracula bites someone in the movie? You can't bite if all your teeth suddenly grow into nasty sharp fangs pointing in different directions. That's why people get braces. You really just need the standard set of 2 fangs on top, embellished with 2 on the bottom if you like, although judging by the little 2-hole bite marks, you only actually use the top ones. JUST THE CANINES!
3) If Dracula (and the vampire chicks as well, but they're not very sexy, so I didn't pay as much attention to them) can just dematerialize and rematerialize wherever he wants, why is he constantly going to all the trouble of turning into his Big Scary Ugly Bat-Thing Form(tm) and flying after Hugh Jackman?
4) Okay, so a few hundred little gremlin-like vampire offspring are brought to life by lightning, and they fly off into the village to bite people. My question: if you've lived all your life in this Transylvanian village that is constantly plagued by vampires, and in the middle of the night you hear the beating of several hundred leathery wings outside... why the fuck would you RUN OUTSIDE TO GET BITTEN? Which all the villagers do! "Hey! Leathery wings in the middle of the night! I wonder if it's a vampire? Naahhh..."
5) Doesn't it occur to anyone that chicks in action movies should wear costumes that allow for a bra? Because, I mean, all that running around and fighting and stuff...
6) Why do they show the title of the movie in big letters at the end? I mean, all it accomplishes is, it gives me a chance to embarrass Dana by saying, loudly, "Shit, that was Van Helsing? I meant to see Troy!"
7) Do you think anyone could hear me when, during a climactic fight scene between Dracula and Van Helsing in which Hugh Jackman was wearing, basically, a loincloth, I said, "Take off the loincloth!"?
8) And speaking of Hugh Jackman running around scantily clad -- well, all right, not so relevant to the scantily clad part, but I'd like to sustain the mental image, if you don't mind -- why is he always playing angsty, hairy men with sordid pasts that they can't remember?
9) And is it really necessary for every action movie to have a Q ripoff?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-16 12:10 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-16 09:28 pm (UTC)2) I agree! That's always annoyed me in Vampire movies too..
3) Because then the SFX guys would be unemployed, causing futher damage to our already weak economy?
4) Umm.. again with the B-movie?
5) I thought that the entire point was to to have them run around without a bra. I was much more upset by the dark-haired one's little neck frill thing. WTF was that?
6) They were obviously very considerately taking into account those poor souls with alzheimer's and ADD. Shame on you for mocking their efforts to help the mentally disabled!
7) Probably.. you did say it in at a conviniently quiet point in the soundtrack @_@
8) Maybe he gets confused easily?
9) Yes. I mean, otherwise where would they get their spiffy historically inacurrate and physically impossible gadgets from?
And you forgot to mention how pretty Dracula's hair was! That was the best part of the movie! (Well, that and Kate Beckinsdale's dominatrix outfit :P)
Gabriel Van Helsing
Date: 2004-05-17 07:07 pm (UTC)The company making the movie wanted to be able to have the character of Van Helsing for full marketting, sequel, prequel, rights and all that shit. NOW. Abraham Van Helsing is Bram Stoker's. Just about everyone who's risen above your average American stupidity knows that. That said, if the character isn't trademarked 'legally/on paper' then he is at least owned, clearly, and has his own history, mythos, and all that. With making a 'kid brother' as they call Gabe, the company has full licence to bring up his past, future, and otherwise post Jackman's likeness as *the* Van Helsing on every damn thing they want, and not even have to worry much about Bram and his Stoker.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-23 10:44 am (UTC)